Coping with Cancer - Mental Health

In the hubbub of life, clarity can be a hard thing to find. Cancer is no different. The body is under attack and to deal with this it forces the mind to think some pretty crazy things. Today I want to relate some of the personal dialogues I've experienced over the last few months and the methods that I’ve drawn upon to keep some semblance of normality.

Mad thought: ‘You’re never going to feel better, ever again. This is your life now.’

We all have reactions such as this. I spent pretty much entire late teens thinking that splitting up with a girl was the equivalent of the Cuban Missile Crisis. Even now events like losing a job, getting a running injury or not being able to charge my phone prompt a similar end-of-the-world reaction. The truth, of course, is that life isn’t really that profound. As Take That wisely observed – ‘everything changes,’ and it’s like this with chemotherapy. One day you feel terrible, but the next day you don’t and sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason for this. You do feel bad, but you won’t feel bad forever.

Lesson: Stop making all-encompassing statements (NB: that’s an awesome paradox btw...think about it)

Practical response: Keep a diary of the ebb and flow of emotions. Try to do something different each day. You will feel better.

Mad thought: ‘Don’t go outside. You won’t be able to breathe.’

Many of will have had our Agoraphobic moments (crowded tube trains, football grounds, Guildford town centre on Sat afternoon). With chemotherapy this starts the moment you leave the front door. The temperature-change from inside to out makes the throat contract and restricts the ability to get air into the lungs. You can breathe, but it takes a few moments to do this, and is an extremely stressful process. Safest option - just don’t leave the house.

Of course, I do want to leave the house, so I need to find a way to cope. The key is to understand the reaction and then adapt. A stressful moment is coming, but if you can slowly relax into it, then you can open the lungs and manage the reaction. I like to leave the house with a hot drink, then take a few breaths through a scarf to get used to the situation. It enables me to create a layer of comfort and get used to the environment. Then, when the cold comes, I’m able to relax easily and allow my breathing to come back to normal.

Practical response: ‘Relax, breathe slowly and accept that the body needs time to adapt. Be mindful.’

Mad thought: ‘Eat baked beans, every day.’

In life we all have problems - ‘I keep losing my car keys; my leg hurts; there’s a hole in my sock.’ In order to deal with these problems, we need to find solutions. ‘Keep my car keys on a hook by the door. Go to the physio. Buy new socks.’ The next time we have the problem, we will have a simple to solution to solve it. Its a great method of thinking, but sometimes it can lead to some strange decisions. Here’s a few of my own examples:

Problem ‘Im spending too much money.’

Solution: ‘Don’t buy any needless material objects.’

I observed this to such a point that ‘needless’ became items such as a bed, new clothes, a kettle or a phone charger. At my lowest ebb I was sleeping on a mattress, boiling water on a stove, using a Nokia 33/10 and wearing a jumper that hadn’t been fashionable since 1985. This was not a good solution.

Problem ‘I’m eating too much junk food.’

Solution: ‘Only eat cereal, bread, salad, fruit, chicken and pasta - and NOTHING else.’

I did this for eight weeks – every day. Eventually I was taken the doctors due to iron deficiency.

Problem: ‘Chemotherapy makes me feel bloated and sick.’

Solution (as suggested by my nurse): ‘Eat more baked beans.’

My nurse was right. Eating baked beans did help. I now eat them every single day, whether I feel sick or not - just in case. This is not a good idea for MANY reasons.

The problem with physical and mental issues is that they are stressful and so we always look for the quick fix. Sometimes we need to take a step and consider all the options.

Practical response: ‘Look for different solutions. There’s more than one way to solve a problem (although sometimes the maddest are the best).

Mad thought: ‘You won’t be able to feel your hands. You wont be able to feel your hands ever again.’

This is the WORST thing about chemotherapy. I know I harp on about it, but suddenly not being able to feel a part of your body is pretty unpleasant and can be quite painful. Luckily, a decade of cross country running has taught me some good methods to deal with this.

Practical response: ‘Relax. Empty the mind. Let the body deal with this slowly. Don’t get stressed.’

Relaxation allows the body to stay warm and regulate the blood. Its hard to do sometimes, but it’s excellent at improving the circulation. Good gloves can also help.

Mad thought: ‘I’m going to get worse cancer and die.’

Fear of death is the ultimate fear for all of us (particularly cancer patients), but its also one that’s relatively easy to deal with.

Practical response: ‘You are not going to get cancer and die TODAY. Deal with this when you have to. Think in the present.’

The alternative is so awful that its quite easy not to think about.

Mad thought: ‘I’m going to run the London Marathon on chemo’

Its almost Christmas, which means its time for the annual emotional breakdown. This happens to everyone at this time of year, right?

Okay, well not everyone, but many of us, and for someone reason it always happens to me. Its usually something like splitting up with a girlfriend, getting sick, someone dying – but can be proper mental health issues - like depression, stress or chronic fatigue. Sounds bad, right? Well…not necessarily.

The good thing about an emotional meltdown is that it forces you to re-evaluate your life. Everything you had before is gone, so once you’ve had time to recover, you are free to do whatever the hell you like. Go and cycle to Australia? Why not? Stick a pin in a globe and book the next flight. Go for it. What difference does it make - whatever you do can only make things better.

Unfortunately, I’m not in the position to take a bike across Africa this January, but I have an idea that I can still run the marathon in April. Fuck it, why not? Its a long winter ahead - I’m going to need something positive to focus on.

Practical response: Take time to recover, then do something awesome.

With all these examples it is clear that fighting our problems never works. Sanity can be difficult to hold onto sometimes and it is only through acceptance and understanding that we can develop practical responses. I always thought that I should try and solve the ‘crazy’ thoughts that went through my mind, and that a perfect person would come out at the end of it, but I’ve realised that there is no such a person. Mental health issues affect all of us, and while some are serious and can have terrible life consequences, others are simply part of the wonderful idiosyncrasies that make us unique human beings. I love that my friend runs marathons so he can talk to his dead brother, I love that my boss has a phobia of ducks, I love that my brother has to count to ten before walking up stairs and that my old housemate sang herself to sleep every night. I love that my ex-girlfriend sends her cat a Christmas card every year and that my colleague eats sandwiches with a knife and fork. I love the unique way we approach this crazy thing called life and pretend we’re making sense of it all. We’re mad to even try.

There are cracks in all of us - that’s where the light shines in.

I’m off for some baked beans. Until next time,

Ben